Skype

When you're miles away overseas, like in a tent in Afghanistan or in a mid-terraced house in Glasgow, you might find Skype incredibly useful. And it is. More or less. For those of you who don't know what it is, I'll briefly enlighten you. It's an internet web cam thingy that allows you to call other Skype users. You have the option to text them live or make one-to-one direct "phone"calls all from the comfort of your home computer. And get this, it's free. Yep, totally free. Well, apart from having to buy a web cam and headphones with mic. Oh, and a computer if you don't have one, and err, broadband internet helps as well. Best to go for a top of the range monitor and cam too so you and your co-chatter can look as beautiful as possible. You might also want to get a man round with a PhD in astro physics for the installation. As I say, it's totally free.

All of this is fine and dandy. In no time you'll be chatting away to friends and family around the globe.

Despite this, some people are really anti-Skype...



Why is that, I wonder? Don't they have friends and family in far off places? don't they like having every Sunday rammed full of Skype appointments? don't they like new technology? don't they like free things, even if they're a bit rubbishy some times?

You see, just like everything else in life, Skype can have some failings, technical hitches if you like, that is no fault of the system, more to do with the users inability to get his act together...

Things that can go wrong are usually visual: best mate looks a bit fuzzy; best mate is tiddly and thinks the desk lamp is the camera; best mate doesn't realise you are there and is screaming obscenities about "bloody Skype" or even worse sitting in his pants scratching his nads. Whatever the event you will spend the majority of your Skype time talking about Skype issues. A typical conversation goes along the lines of :-

"Yo bro is that you, mate?"

"Yes, mate. Is that you, bro?"

"Yes, mate."

"I can't hear you very well."

"Oh, I can hear you ok. You're a bit fuzzy, mind you. Have you been drinking?"

"What was that?"

"I've only got half an hour - going out with the kids."

"Eh? Aye, what's the weather like?"

"I'm just adjusting the camera." The camera, which hangs on the monitor with a pubic hairs worth of plastic, invariably falls "down the back" somewhere. You keep talking anyway, even though you can't be heard. Skype doesn't worry about such minor details. After several delicate attempts trying to rebalance it you hit it repeatedly with a hammer. This severe deformation has worked in your favour, creating a ledge of bruised plastic which fits perfectly around the edge of your monitor.

"Aye, its raining here."

"Oh, it's roasting here."

Then someone will come into the room. Actually, it's usually about nine people and they will all push in for a camera slot, make silly faces and wave like loonies. They'll all then start to rabbit at once, leaving you with nothing to say but...

"It's really hot here" or "it's raining"

At least two people will get behind the web-caster and do rabbit ears whilst mouthing the word "wanker". Which, to be fair, is usually mildly amusing, just a bit disturbing to see your Granny and Grandad doing it.
Before you know it, your half hour is up.

"Right. Great to see you, bro. I'll give you a wee Skypo back next Sunday, ok?!"

"Aye that'd be great, mate. Brilliant talking to you!"

And that's the funny thing, it doesn't really matter what you say. In fact one of the best conversations I had recently was with my brother-in-law and a dead mic. [Microphone that is, not my mate Mike. He's not dead or anything like that. Well, at least he wasn't last time I Skyped him]. I had to hold up bits of paper which said witty things like "you look like a girl" and "can you go away please I need the toilet". He managed to waffle on in monologue with me in stitches as he gave me abuse about everything from my hair to my taste in socks. I responded with silent wit and charm. It's amazing how many times one can show ones buttocks and give the vicky to a web cam and still get a laugh.

You see, it's being in touch that counts. Which, when all said and done, makes Skype well worth the pain.